Twilight Soul's Forest [Musings|Kindred Spirits|Memory and Dream]
Twilight Soul

[ Open the door | All I am not is Me ]
[ The Well | Memory and Dream ]

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My First Book is on Amazon.com: Journey of a Twilight Soul: Part One - The Awakening eBook [29 February 2012|06:10pm]
Amazon.com: Journey of a Twilight Soul: Part One - The Awakening eBook: Marlene Ciszkowski: Kindle Store

It's just 99 cents, I'd love to get some feedback.
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Just a Note [02 January 2012|07:09pm]
So today we put off getting back to work one more day...need to get eBay going again sooner or later! The weather has been miserable - got nasty last night but never really snowed much. We thought we might wake up to a few inches, but there is just like a dusting, grass is prominent.

My energy has been so low, since I gained 10 - 15 pounds the past few months. I signed up for my "Silver and Fit" gym membership at BAC for Women down the street. Now I just need to go there. It's just $25 for the year!

Favorite pit stop: Tim Horton's: Coffee with splenda and milk, pumpkin spice muffin or honey cruller.
Games I play lately: Sims Social on Facebook, no WoW - my laptop shuts down if I play a demanding game.
Reading: Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time saga
Music: The Tea Party (they're back!), Muse, VAST
Wish List: Kindle Fire, XBOX 360 with Kinect, Keurig K-Cup Brewer
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Another New Year [01 January 2012|06:32pm]
So it's 2012...I think it will be an interesting year.
Today Gary and Laurie came over with Tyler and his friend, watched the Bills game (we lost) and went home. The weather is really nasty - cold but still rainy instead of snowing, very windy and just a good day to stay home! Mom and dad called last night from Uncle Ray and Aunt Diane's. They said the baby slept through all the commotion, from the dogs barking to people laughing. Gavin Lee is just a few days old.

I don't have any very well defined resolutions - the usual, get back in shape, eat better, work out, get out. Don't do anything too stupid...

I don't feel like I have too much life in me these days. Damn meds...they can make you feel so lifeless. I wish they could find something that treats Schizoaffective without turning you into a zombie. I still take Seroquel (200mg) and Zoloft (150mg). It's not too bad only having to take 2 meds. And the dose of Seroquel is fairly low, which is nice. Smoking pot again, it helps me feel something more to life.
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Looking Back on 2011 [31 December 2011|05:26pm]
So another year has flown by...

This summer, a close friend of mine passed away. It seems so strange that he is gone forever. I didn't go anywhere significant this year, well besides a trip up to the Lake George area to pick up a friend. It was cool out there. It hasn't really snowed this winter yet, we have not had to shovel and have barely needed even to scrape the windshield. I think it rained more than snowed so far this season. In fact, it is raining today, and in the 40s outside. I am DONE eating holiday goodies - I have been gaining weight since we started smoking weed again, even though I didn't lose any last time we quit...go figure, just my luck!

Must Have: Stash Lemon Ginger Herbal Tea, Coffee, Honey, Oatmeal, Iced Tea, Splenda. I am all about my drinks! I am not an alcohol drinker though, not anymore.

Current Weight: 173 pounds
Blood Pressure - typical 120 / 75.
Cholesterol - LDL is high at 183. HDL is 67 Triglycerides normal.
Fasting Blood Sugar - 89

UPDATE:
5-28-2013 my blood test result were as follows - Total cholesterol was 180. LDL was 109, HDL was 57, triglycerides down to 71. (normal is less than 150) Blood sugar was 79.

This was down from just 2 months earlier when my LDL was 154. Also got my weight down around this time, to about 135.
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Iced Tea and Hot Ginger Tea [27 November 2011|06:29pm]
I love my Iced Tea Pot by Mr. Coffee. I make iced tea all the time. Today I made sweet potato bread. Good but a mushy spot in the middle. This wouldn't happen with a convection oven!!! Stash Tea Lemon Ginger is awesome! Doing laundry, sipping tea, reading Book 4 of Wheel of Time...
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Writer's Block: Background players [27 November 2011|06:24pm]
What is your computer wallpaper right now?

It is a map of the world of the Wheel of Time saga.
1 echo |the silence between| echo me

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Strange Dreams [28 October 2011|09:10am]
Last night I had one of the strangest, most epic dreams I have had in a long time. The scenario was it was like night of the living dead or something...everywhere you went you had to avoid these living dead types that would attack you. We had certain "safe" areas, usually inside a large building, that were protected and guarded from invasion. The details are already eluding me, but somehow I was given this sort of injection called a talisman that made me change...I was stronger, all but immune to the zombie people, and my senses were heightened. Then people found out I had this and wanted to try to remove my injection to use it for themselves.
1 echo |the silence between| echo me

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Lucid Dreaming again... [23 October 2011|09:52pm]
So in the past couple weeks I have had a few more lucid dreams. In one, I realized I was dreaming and decided to fly, which of late I have had trouble with, but this time I did it with only minor trouble. I guided myself over lakes and mountains, coming to rest on a rocky outcrop, noticing the detail and texture of the stone.
In one dream I met someone who told me a line I wanted to remember when I woke. I was repeating it to myself and wrote it down over and over in the dream. When I woke I could only recall part of it - "The shadow of my soul..."
Last night, though not lucid, my dreams were quite vivid. I was visiting a relative upstate. There were many people in the dream. My uncle Bill was having some sort of picnic. I found a bowl of melted chocolate on my way there.
I was in Australia in one dream, and a voice told me to try to find Nick's house...I didn't really want to, but thought I should listen to the voice. I woke before I found the house. I wasn't sure what would happen if I showed up there.
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I Want my Seroquel!!! [23 June 2011|08:39pm]
Ok I am NOT doing well on Abilify and Wellbutrin...I feel like I am constantly in a mixed episode, everyday. My anxiety is high, I can hardly relax or breathe normal, I feel this inner tension and restlessness... it's all too much and I want back on my old meds! Seroquel and Zoloft, why did I switch???

Abilify and Wellbutrin are both "activating" rather than sedating but that is not what I need I guess. It just brings all this negative stuff out for me...
So tuesday I see my pdoc and beg him to switch me back to my old tried and true meds. I had been on them for over 5 years and I guess I felt like I wanted a change but not feeling like this! I was hoping something could help bring out my emotions more but the emotional blunting isn't just from the meds, it's part of being afflicted with Schizoaffective Disorder.

So I felt MUCH better before and I think I am done experimenting with new meds!
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Medication Changes [10 June 2011|09:49pm]
Early May I started a new medication combo - Abilify with Wellbutrin. So far doing OK but not great. I was just taken off my bedtime dose of Seroquel and I am afraid I can't sleep without it!
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More Lucid Dreams [03 June 2011|08:47pm]
From my notebook, most recent lucid dreams:

I was swinging on a wire, flipping upside-down and having a great time. I knew there was no danger but I felt all the exhilaration I would if it were real.

I was in a house, exploring the inside and I crawled through a small bin opening, then was in a small room with no doors or windows. I made a door and opened it, it led to an outdoor scene of a beautiful landscape. I started to fly, and remembered to look at my hands like they say you should do to stay lucid. I saw a lot of symbols in the sky including an ankh and the ohm symbol. There were a lot of stars and I could see constellations. The sky was twilight, not midnight dark.

I explored more, hopping fences and cutting through yards, going where I wanted. I told someone my name was Lauren but I'm not sure why. (My name is Marlene)
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Lucid Dreams [22 March 2011|10:18am]
Last night I had a quite lucid dream. I was repeating to myself over and over that it was a dream to try to keep the dream strong and stay lucid. I was walking through a supermarket at first. I looked at my hands. The looked stubbier than they are but otherwise pretty normal. There were crinkly lines all over though, like a glass plate with "crazing" on it.

Suddenly I was walking down a sidewalk on a strange street. I saw a sphere of light drifting through the sky above me. I held up my hands, trying to signal to it. It came down in front of me, and a strange tunnel opened up from it, and now I was walking through the tunnel. It was made of blue light.

Before and after the lucid parts there were other parts to the dream. In some I was hiding from someone. I went running through people's yards and hid in someone's basement. But somehow I realized the basement was a friend of the man I was hiding from, and fled to find another place to hide.

I was sitting at a piano with Charlie Sheen (I never liked him...) and he was telling me about his experiences being admitted into a rehab or mental institution. Somehow I ended up offending him, or he just told me more than he meant to, and he wanted me to go away.

There was a dog in front of a store and my friend tried to approach it, but it was very vicious and attacked him - it was restrained so he backed away before it hurt him bad, but the dog looked absolutely evil and malicious. I believe this was outside the store I was walking through when I became lucid. In the store, there were all sorts of candy and goodies and I knew it was ok to eat anything I wanted. I could taste things and it was good. I saw strange light-colored meat on display, with a sign that said "100% ground ALF" which was obviously strange, and possibly where I became 100% lucid.

I had to do some sort of report or exam in school...I think it was dental school, and I had learned some things from being at UB Dental so much and I really aced the test.
3 echoes |the silence between| echo me

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Caffeine Intoxiacation [14 November 2010|04:45pm]
My doctor told me I had caffeine intoxication, and it's making it difficult to figure out if my meds are working or if I just needed to cut back the caffeine...so, it's been like 2 weeks of drastically reduced caffeine intake...and I do feel calmer, but bored too...

I didn't realize decaf coffee is so much more expensive than regular, and it's never included in the sales! Coffee is my comfort...I love coffee. I used to drink 6-8 large mugs a day now I am down to two, only one full caff, the other cup half-caf. Seems to be working ok and my increased anxiety symptoms are definately gone...the days drag somehow though...
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Manic or Medicated [18 October 2010|10:17pm]
I've been worrying about my mental condition. The meds...I get so tired of them, but I do blame a lot on them. I don't remember the last time I felt joy, or real pleasure in doing something or for anything. This is one of the symptoms of schizophrenia. My original diagnosis. Then it was schizoaffective disorder, now, it is bipolar 1 disorder, with psychotic features (as they put it). I'm not sure what to call it anymore. There are so many symptoms that could be side effects and so on...

I can't relax deeply as I once could. I know I need to reduce my caffeine intake, I am working on it. Drinking herbal tea instead of coffee. Well, some of the time. I've been smoking weed again, but its really just once a day in the evening. I actually feel a bit better this way. It helps that tension go away. I don't even have anything to be stressed about. I think it may be losing 2 grandmothers in 2 months. Also, my dad has a cancer problem and won't get treatment. I am not sure if he has long to live, as scary as it is to think about. My mom is doing well as far as I could tell.

I miss going to the gym, I miss doing yoga, I miss being creative, I miss feeling passion for somehting. It doesn't make sense to live this way. I don't think about suicide anymore, not in a long time. In fact, when I go off my meds, mania is the problem. REAL mania...the kind where you get delusions of grandeur and believe you are controlling reality. It feels amazing when you're in that stage...the problem is, it is pretty hard to function normally enough to get away with it. It is really hare for me to stay quiet too, so everyone hears about my wild fancies. If I could just keep it inside, maybe I could get away with it. But that state of mind, that consciousness...it is meant for another world.

It's strange how much lucid dreams resemble the state of psychosis...I want to call it something else, but I don't really have the words for it. It's like my personal twilight...my soul is stuck in between two worlds...in a very real way.

Lucid dreams...you realize it is a dream, and what then? You're lucky if just the realization doesn't wake you up. I walk around, looking quickly from place to place and reminding myself it is a dream...I have tried to change it, and with some success, but I prefer to leave things as they are. Last night I was visiting some costal area, with mountains across a vast sea of blue and sandy beaches...there was an amusement part near the shore. I think of Crystal Beach in Canada, but there are no mountains, at least not in that area!

So I am still caught between worlds, and slightly out of touch. I know the other side is waiting...strange things have been coming to me in sleep...and often the environment is an institution, like 12 south...a better place than "the blue suite" though. Well, this place is strange somehow...it's more than just an institution. But it's no Project Mind either. One day, perhaps I will encounter that future I saw...I already see it in science fiction and the progress of technology...I believe what I saw is possible.

Well, I mentioned seeing something, but I didn't say too much about it. Much like the Otherland saga I am reading now, there will be a digital, immortal world that select people will be programmed into in a way. The core group "awakens" people believed to have special talents, like lucid dreamers...we were to create worlds, and we did...and then these worlds evolved and took on a life of their own. Even we would be surprised by what we encountered...the Truth.
echo me

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A May Day Poem [03 May 2010|07:48pm]
The waves break, and the gulls gather at the shore,
lazily picking at scraps of food that have been washed into the sand.
A woman walking two large dogs releases their leashes, and they run into the water,
barking, overcome with a simple joy that we've forgotten.
The sun begins to set, casting a shimmery path across the water,
from shore to horizon, leaving a sense of peace within as I watch it fade.
My footsteps have already been swept away by the west wind that blows over the lake...
no past, only the steps I take now will be seen at all...
echo me

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